Downs and ups!
Published: 17th February 2007
Author: Billy MacKenzie
The month starts badly for Billy who misses his boat and breaks his collarbone but it ends on a high thanks to a small Scottish kite and a sulky cousin Bry...
Well this month started off rubbish! I was all set and raring to go, we had two weeks riding planned in Belgium with a good crew and things couldn't look better! But instead of all that I miss my boat, drive to the north of Scotland, break my collarbone, end up flying to Belgium and jumping onto the operating table heed first with my veins bulging ready for general anaesthetic! 'Shoot me up doc, get me fixed, pronto!'
It's like the butterfly effect... What if I'd left 10 minutes earlier and made that frickin' boat? You know what? I woulda made it without leaving early if the Forth Road Bridge HADN'T been closed to high-sided vehicles and, therefore, I HADN'T been escorted off the bridge by the police for getting mouthy with the pay booth personnel! Man they actually closed the whole bridge to EVERYONE because I was trying to get across! If it wasn't for Johnny Good Shoes I woulda gate-crashed the bridge and accepted the three points on my licence just to make this boat.
So we headed home and made a plan to go riding north of Inverness! Sounded like a good idea at the time until we started crossing the Highlands in a blizzard! I spat my dummy and told Johnny to turn the frickin' camper round but the stubborn little midget refused.
We arrived in the morning an tae oor surprise there wiz nae snae anywhere - the track wiz braw and so a started burning some calories oan ma scrambler! I actually started thinking 'this is no sae bad like ye ken?' Nice sand track, fresh air, next tae the beach. Minted! I did ma motos then we headed aff tae the beach in search of some dunes! We spent the hale afternoon sliding an drifting the bikes doon the beach, chasing seals and trying tae avoid auld bombs that the army had been letting aff! A came across this massive blue yin...I dunno what it is like but I was just compelled to start playing wi it! I mind the auld stories ma dad used tae tell us when he wiz a laddie, finding bombs doon the beach, taking them hame and painting them up! However I fought off my demons and left it, probably the brightest thing I done the whole trip!
Then the next day I broke my collarbone...
Stupid crash too. I came out a corner off balance a little, I let off the gas to correct it but the sand pulled me into the bank and it snatched the handlebars out my hands, ejecting me off the side of the bike straight onto my shoulder. I reached up and felt the end of the bone - not quite sticking out but almost! After that it was van packed and straight to Belgium via aeroplane!
Bry, Rich and spannerman BC were already over there so I decided to stay out after the operation for the banter! So Johnny caught the boat and brought the camper with him - then we set off on the most pointless trip around Belgium ever! Someone had said to me, 'yeah go to Belgium and do some sand riding, it's better for building up the bike training'... No, in fact the person who said that (who shall remain nameless) needs shot! If riding in 100mph winds (no exaggeration) and the pishing rain helps you build up speed and endurance then hell, yeah, everyone go to Belgium! I was so glad I wasn't riding and I don't think Bry or Rich got their bikes out the van the whole week!
Morale was at an all-time low until someone said that the wind could probably blow Johnny over with him being the lightest! And that's all it took to relight the banter lantern and the ideas came flooding in! We ripped the sheet off the bed and taped it to his wrists and ankles and took him outside to the highest mound we could find. On the count of three he jumped into the air and we all watched in amazement as Johnny flew! Not far and not high but he flew! He kinda reminded me of one of those flying squirrel jobs! If we had a rope we coulda used him as a kite! I was crying laughing!
We made the boat home this time and we had starved ourselves all day cause we knew it was an all-you-can-eat buffet for £20. So that was the first port of call! Afterwards our pockets were feeling a little heavy with unwanted Euros so we decided to lighten them up at the casino! And lighten them I did as I was robbed and won nowt! After that we got talking to some pished up old seaman who showed us an impressive card trick and talked about how this little weasel guy who was with him was the hardest man on the boat - aye, whitevur! Then we played cards in the quiet room. After an hour or so I found that I was sitting next to the dimmer switch for the lights and started messing about with it - then listened in amusement while Johnny tried to explain how the weather and the rocking of the boat was making the power surge or something. Yeah Johnny, something like that!
So this all pretty much happened in a space of a week. I started back training after I had three days of sulking at home in front of the computer, checking out all the pictures of the competition getting some real bike time in down in Spain! So in the space of 20 minutes I'd called my road racer friend Keith, packed my bags and drove up to spend a week training with him. We started cycling and running huge distances - the thing about Keith is he's the same as me, we both love competition so every time we trained no-one slacked!
I headed home eventually cause I needed to start packing for Mantova. Everyone was down staying with Bryan so we all went for a Mexican one night (myself, Lawson, Bryan, Ricky and Johnny). It was quite a fun night for everyone apart from Bry who had some trouble finding the place and parking his van! The more circles he done the more frustrated he got and the more we called him to find out where the hell he was - it tipped him over the edge! He went absolutely aff his napper, shouting and swearing at us boys down the phone cause we weren't helping him - then he wouldn't answer the phone to anyone so we left him tae it! I decided to order him food in case he did turn up - good job I did...in he came about an hour later when we had nearly finished!
"There's yer starter Bry," I said to him. "Am no eatin'," he replied. He was at the top of stress mountain and I think he broke his hand punching the steering wheel! So he sat there in a wee cream puff the whole night and wouldn't eat anything, like a kid wi a bowl of Brussels sprouts in front of him! I had to fit his bill for him - it's a good job I'm here because I dae ken whit he would dae wae oot me! Eh Bry?
This has been my best column yet I think - hope you enjoy! Boring stuff to come next month unless I kick arse at the internationals!